With Bated Breath

When I first started taking hormones a year and a half ago, I made a conscious decision to put my life on hold. My reasoning was sound: I’m was going to be undergoing a lot of physical and emotional changes, and maybe it wasn’t the best time to make life altering decisions. I assumed that once I stabilized, I would pick my life back up and continue where I left off.

A few weeks ago I realized that I had become complacent in my stagnation. It was comfortable to just drift through life and not worry about the future too much. So much so that I stop considering my options, and I stopped enacting plans. This included everything from coasting through my job to not hanging up new prints I had bought for my condo.

Recently there has been a catalyst that has jarred me from my slumber, and I have begun to reassess all aspects of my life. This blog is one of the results of that reassessment. Other things include checking out the job market to see if I can find something more appealing, figuring out a way to be an advocate, purging the crap I don’t need from my tiny condo, and reaching out and making new friends to fill my emotional needs.

I feel as if I have finally taken up the reigns of my life once again and am looking at concrete ways to improve it. That is not say my life is in shambles–far from it. But one has to continue moving forward: assessing, striving, improving. I’ve only been fulfilling my basic needs for a long time, and now I need to start living again.

I suppose this might also be what a mid-life crisis feels like, except to me, it’s not mid-life, it’s the beginning. Jana is, for all intents and purposes, a new person. I’ve kept her needs and desires locked away for so long that I’m a little overwhelmed when I stop to consider what they actually are. Things that I used to hold dear as my only means of expression or solace are hollow and without comfort anymore. Yet, I remember them being more, and those memories are the real chains holding me back.

I know I have different needs, desires and tastes now, and I yearn for them dearly. Logically, it’s a no-brainer: shift gears and move on. Emotionally though, I’m having difficulty letting go. I take pride in not being sentimental, but here I am being sentimental about the facade I used to show the world. I think it’s my final hurdle, my final fear. Once I let all this go, I won’t ever be able to hide again. All those years of carefully constructing a persona that blended in and protected myself will be be thrown out, and I’ll be facing the world anew with no fallback.

To be honest, when I started this post, I didn’t realize it would result in that last paragraph. I am glad it did, though, because now I know the path forward. Now I can stop holding my breath and start living the life I always wanted to live.

I sincerely hope every one of you can do the same. It’s time to exhale.