In almost all aspects of my life I live, think, and feel as Jana. That’s simply because I am Jana. However, when I’m at work, a career I’ve had for over 25 years, I sometimes realize I’m not thinking like Jana. I’m thinking like Jonathan. I feel like Jonathan in those instances. And frankly, it bothers the hell out of me. At times it just sneaks up on me. I could be in a meeting, walking back from lunch while thinking about a problem, or just visualizing myself in a work environment, and suddenly, I feel like an imposter in my own skin.
My therapist says not to worry about it too much. I’ve been working as Jonathan for so long that this sort of thing is going to happen in that environment. But, I don’t feel that way with my long time friends, or even my family. Not even when looking at old pictures where I clearly am Jonathan in them.
Remember, though, that Jonathan was just a shadow aspect of Jana. A sliver that was all I was allowed to show of my true self for fear of giving away who and what I was. This shadow, though, is haunting the hell out of me at work, and it’s rather recent, too.
Maybe I’m being haunted because I’m transitioning to management, and leaving day-to-day coding behind. I really don’t have time to, nor am I supposed to be, coding on a regular basis. My job is different now. It’s architecting the project, removing roadblocks for my devs, figuring out solutions to difficult problems. Rarely am I going to get to code those.
Now though, I’m also teaching my mentees. I’m showing them the tips and tricks of my trade, and giving them the benefit of my experience. Somehow, I feel like the shadow is linked to this. I don’t know why. Maybe because I have to recall experiences from Jonathan so much to talk about software development. Maybe I haven’t fully integrated my persona of necessity with that of reality yet. I feel there’s something more to it, but I haven’t grasped it yet.
Who knows? My therapist is probably right (again) — I’m just overthinking it.