Into the world she goes

Recently, I’ve had to re-enter the job market. This is normally a process I go through every year or so. It’s just the nature of the tech industry in Atlanta–you don’t get a promotion or a raise unless you move to another company that offers you both. This time, however, my move was involuntary. I (and the rest of my team) we re laid off because our project was cancelled. Not an uncommon occurrence in the tech industry either.

I was with my current company for over three years, which for me, is quite a long stint at any one place. Honestly, had they not laid me off, I’d probably still be there for a few more years. This was the place where I came out professionally, and where I felt comfortable being my true self at the office. It’s the place I joined my first Pride group (and ended up leading it in the end). It’s the place where I made so many new friends that truly accepted me as Jana without reservation.

It was not without some trepidation that I entered the job market anew, for this is the first time I’ve ever looked for work as Jana. And while it brought with it the expected anxiety and frustration of the job hunt, I noticed something very new and quite welcome. I was finally getting to show employers my full self, and as I told them my name and abilities, they didn’t blink twice at my recent transition. It was the most affirming thing I have ever done professionally beyond just coming out. And it was so, well, normal.

Today I had my first in-person interview for a position I really want. As of this writing, I don’t know if I got the job yet or not, but even if I didn’t, there were several notable differences about my experience today. The first is that I actually cared about my appearance for the first time ever in an interview. Not in the ‘dress for success’ way, but in the ‘I want to look cute and stylish’ way. That’s never happened to me before. Yesterday I sat in the salon for three hours getting my hair done, adding more blue to it and getting it straightened. The day before that I got my nails done, which isn’t all that much of a feat as I do that regularly, but I made sure to match them to the hair color I was getting. I carefully picked out my outfit and accessories and decided to actually wear makeup (I usually don’t). These aren’t big things on their own, and to be fair, every woman does this. But that’s just the point: it’s the first time I’m doing this as a woman, and feels special.

The second difference I noticed is how much more of me was present at the interview. By that I mean, how much more of me I was willing to talk about. Previously, I would present this narrow view of the skilled, but nerdy programmer and absolutely nothing more. There would barely be any emotion present unless I was responding to a joke or something. I’m sure I looked grim and unapproachable. Today though, I was vibrant, joyful, engaging, and maybe even a little flamboyant. I interacted with genuine excitement at the people I met and things I saw. I was not emotionally dead inside, and I felt so alive.

The third difference was that it didn’t feel like any other interview I’ve ever had, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the interview itself that was different. It was me. I was so much more relaxed and confident, ready to just let them see me and what I could do for them. And I don’t just mean my technical or managerial chops. I mean my whole personality. For the first time ever I showed them my whole self with the understanding that in doing so, I was better letting them know me. They got to see what Jana the person is like to interact with, and not just Jana the technical problem-solver. I am truly amazed I was ever hired for a job before this. I don’t see how they could have seen me as anything other than a means to an end.

The fourth difference was a perceptual one on my part. Previously, I would go into a workplace for an interview and just look to see if I would be bored there. I would look to make sure I would like my coworkers enough to work with them, but no further. This time, I noticed all the personalization that was done to each persons workspace, to the areas for each team, and the common areas in general. I watched how folks interacted with each other. I listened to how the people interviewing me felt about their jobs, their company, and their careers at this company. I realized I was looking for a new home, not just a place to get a paycheck. I wanted a place that I could thrive as a whole person, not just an employee. And to be honest, I saw just that. I saw the joy in both the employee that had been there for four and half years as well as the one that had only been there for six months. I knew the company had a good reputation from the outside, but to hear it and see it and feel it for myself was something completely new to me. I have never really experienced that before, at least not on a conscious level.

So I guess in closing I just want to say that today was remarkable to me for the chance to let the world (ok, just a small part of it) see me in all my professional glory. It felt amazing to interview as Jana, to have everyone just accept that as fact without question, and just want to find out if the woman in front them was a fit for their role and company. I think one of the reasons I stayed at my current job so long was that I was afraid none of that would happen. Once again, it is proven to me that fear is just in our heads and we simply have to work past it.

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