From time to time, I will post some of my poetry here, especially the ones I find relate to my life before transitioning. Several of my poems are my subconscious telling me that I need to transition, that I’m actually trans. These were all written a decade or more before I consciously understood my true nature. Clearly though, a part of me knew and was desperately trying to clue me in.
This particular poem deals with hiding behind the mask I threw up to show the world before I transitioned. The fear I felt internally about revealing myself to me and the world.
“Hiding”
7 August 2001
Show them the mask and they cannot find you.
In the end he was described as a fool,
But in the interim he was in pure agony.
Of course, his Hell was of his own choosing,
Though he would not have been able to admit it.
Show them the mask and they cannot see you.
His own knowledge was glorious,
Yet he could not fathom the pattern he lived.
His trials were too pointed, and
He learned his lessons well.
Show them the mask and they cannot reach you.
He held on to his emotions, burying them deeply.
Stored and packed together, they began to blur
Until there was nothing but a static haze of fear,
Through which the world was filtered.
Show them the mask and they cannot touch you.
He then began to experience his life second-hand.
He was neither accepted nor rejected, except in his mind.
He ceased to interact directly with others.
After all, he already saw their actions and reactions to him.
Show them the mask and they cannot harm you.
So there he lived his life catatonically,
Safely hidden within himself
Afraid to discard his mask and let the world see him,
Afraid to discard his mask and see the world.
Show them the mask and you can hide forever.