Something profound happened to me this past weekend. For most people this is usually a common experience earlier in life. At least, I hope it is. For me, this is still fresh in my mind, newly minted, and life-changing.
For most of my life, I have not had anyone to date. As a male, I had significant relationships with three people. All of these people told me I was handsome. I never believed any of them. I knew I was fat and ugly, so I just assumed they were humoring me. At least that’s what I told myself. Now I know I hated my body because it was male.
While I hated my body, it was really difficult, if not impossible to expect or believe anyone else would love it, much less like it. There were so many excuses that ran through my head when I received compliments on my appearance. None of them were very complimentary.
One time, one of my girlfriends called me handsome, and noticed I was rather dismissive of it. She said, “You don’t believe me, do you?” All I could do was agree. It sparked a long conversation where she told me all the things she found amazing about me. I believed every thing she said, except the parts about my appearance.
Since I begain transitioning, I have not dated anyone. I have been turned down a lot. Sure, there might have been a single date here or there, but never a repeat. I have not been in any sexy or sexual situation where I was treated as a woman.
I was beginning to simply expect that it was never going to happen. Even though my friends continued to say I was cute and beautiful, I really stopped believing it. I would pretend, mostly to convince myself, that I was still cute and desirable, but I had no external validation to back up that, so it was just a fantasy in my head.
Last weekend, though, that changed.
For the first time in my life, some one told me I was cute and beautiful, and then they kissed me. And not just kissed me, they proceeded to make out with me for an amount of time I can’t actually measure. And they weren’t the only one to do so. It happened mulitple times, with multiple people. I was cuddled and hugged and nuzzled and nibbled and kissed.
And the most remarkable thing happened in my head. I felt something I have never in my life felt. I felt desired. These people desired me. Suddenly, I believed them and everyone else. I have become a cute, beautiful woman, and for the first time in my life, I can see it for myself.
My self-doubt was banished this weekend into the void where it should have been the whole time. My self-confidence has never been higher. My self-image has never been brighter. That one simple act of showing desirability for my true self has set me free from the bondage of my own fear. So let it be known…
I am cute,
I am beautiful, and
I am desirable!
PS: To my wonderful new friends who were involved in this awakening, I love you all so very much. Thank you for this amazing gift.