Courage

When I came out at work, everyone called me courageous for doing so. I tried to tell them that it wasn’t about fear. It was about just doing what I had to do at the time to survive and get past the uneasiness of not being able to be myself in all parts of my life. I realize now that they were, in fact, correct, even though I was certain at the time that courage was the least of the emotions I felt. I was so afraid, terrified even, of what was going to happen to me after coming out that the fear was not real to me anymore. It had permeated every pore of my being to the point that I no longer noticed it because I was simply living with it constantly.

It wasn’t until I came out and was welcomed with open arms by my coworkers that I could feel the relief of not living with that fear anymore. Sometimes we only notice that we were afraid because we reach a point where we no longer are.

I know that I am currently living in a constant state of fear once again. I can only notice now because I know I am not the only one, and several of my friends, and indeed my fellow citizens, feel the same way. It’s a combination of the election and what it means if Trump wins, the fears of getting Covid and subsequent unknowns regarding the length of the isolation to which I, and many of my friends, are still subject, and the general fear that regardless of the outcome of either, I will never get to return to the life I was leading as recently as February.

My most fervent hope is that I, and you, can wake up one day soon, bask in the relief as one-by-one those fears are put to rest, and only then realize how truly courageous we have all actually had to be.