The Candid Thoughts of Jana
I didn’t write about Transgender Day of Visibility this year on the day it happened. I couldn’t. It was too difficult to process how I felt. There are bad things and good things about TDoV that I want to express. First the bad… I am angry that we need to have this day. I am…
I wake up this morning with a deep sense of melancholy as the the clouds of uncertainty gather into storms of unrest and inevitably. I can’t help wonder if it’s too late to make any difference even if I receive the outcome for which I am hopeful. I feel a deep loss of self in…
When I came out at work, everyone called me courageous for doing so. I tried to tell them that it wasn’t about fear. It was about just doing what I had to do at the time to survive and get past the uneasiness of not being able to be myself in all parts of my…
May 3rd is Mom’s birthday. She’s not here to celebrate it anymore, though, having died from cancer 4 years ago. Every year that passes I forget more and more of her. I didn’t have the best relationship with her, but it wasn’t terrible. We just weren’t in each other’s lives much. It is still odd…
I spent 20+ years with my abusive best friend. I knew him from my senior year in college until the year I came out as a crossdresser to my friends. (It was’t until I was free of him, that I had the realization and the safety to come out as transgender.) He displayed all the…
In almost all aspects of my life I live, think, and feel as Jana. That’s simply because I am Jana. However, when I’m at work, a career I’ve had for over 25 years, I sometimes realize I’m not thinking like Jana. I’m thinking like Jonathan. I feel like Jonathan in those instances. And frankly, it…
I am full of shame. Shame for my body, for being fat, and comparably unattractive. Shame for being transgender, for all the internalize transphobia I’ve bottled up. Shame for being kinky, for all the non-vanilla things I like to do that give me some sort of sexual gratification. Shame for having gotten suckered into a…
I’m a road trip with my best friend. This is only the second time, as an adult, I have ever been on a road trip in which I did not do the driving or supply the car. The one other time where I didn’t drive, my vehicle was in the shop. I ended up paying…
This week marks a giant milestone in my transition and in my life. On Wednesday, I went to the courthouse and stood before a judge who signed my order to finalize my legal name change. I am now officially and legally Jana Beth Hart! To my complete surprise the judge also asked if I wanted…
At what point do I give up? Is it when the state I live in outlaws body autonomy for women? Is it when the country I live in values religious freedom over my rights to exist and be treated equally? Is it when I can no longer advance in my career because now I’m not…